It's official

I'm bag-free baby! I'm reacquainting myself with the restroom and we're getting along fine so far. I'm not quite used to not having the bag though. I notice every time I put my pants on I automatically adjust for the bag and then realize - wait, I'm free! And now my dog can sit on my lap without me having to worry that she'll squish my bag. Really anyone can sit on my lap now, but Lily was the most likely to take advantage of that offer. I do have a weird tan line where my bag was attached to my skin. I don't know how that happened since my belly never saw the light of day while I had ol' baggie attached. But whatever! What else? I can sleep an entire night- no getting up at 3am to empty an uncomfortably full bag. Life is great. And if anyone needs ostomy supplies I can hook you up; plenty of leftovers. :)

On a completely unrelated note, happy birthday to my dear brother-in-law! I'm glad you're part of the fam, and this year I hope we send out a Christmas card where your eyes are open. :) Love you!

The Hospital

Wednesday I spent the day prepping for my last surgery! (assuming, of course, the cyst thing clears itself up). Prepping basically involves drinking only clear liquids and downing two bottles of magnesium citrate. I don't know if you've ever had to drink magnesium citrate but I hope for your sake that you haven't. It's not good. It's actually not that bad going down, but the aftertaste creates that involuntary shudder and once it's in your stomach it starts things moving and doesn't want to stay in there long. Ideally you end up having to go to the bathroom within about a half hour. But if you're my weak little stomach you will desire no part of the magnesium citrate and will promptly throw up the entire bottle of stuff. Luckily (?) I had to drink two bottles so I was counting on the second bottle to stay down and do all the work. And it was touch and go there but it all stayed down. Hooray!
So Wednesday I got no food. Thursday morning in we came to the hospital bright and early. Thankfully I was the first surgery of the day so even though I couldn't eat anything Thursday (not even gum!) it wasn't a big deal. I probably wasn't going to eat breakfast before 5am anyway. The surgery went swimmingly. They stuck my intestine back inside me and took the port-a-cath (technical term?) out of my chest and I was good to go. AND, wonder of wonders - I woke up without throwing up! It was a miracle. Thursday I was feeling pretty good. I ate some ice chips, sipped some water....things were alright.
Friday started out the same - clear liquid diet which was fine - I wasn't hungry anyway - and mostly just recovering from surgery (i.e. laying around). But then Friday afternoon my head started hurting something fierce. And I noticed that every time I pushed the little button for more pain medication I started to feel nauseated. So I stopped pushing it. But I kept feeling sicker and sicker. And soon enough I was puking my guts out.
Thankfully by Saturday morning I was feeling much better. And starving. I mean, I hadn't eaten anything "real" since Tuesday. And my last "real" meal was a vegan meal so that hardly counts. Unfortunately my doctors wanted to keep me on the clear liquid diet all day Saturday. So by late afternoon when Emily and Kyle came by with a burger and french fries I couldn't help myself. I ate some french fries. And then later I ate a snickerdoodle. And totally almost got caught. It was really close - I even had to spit out part of the cookie as the nurse was walking in. I guess I'm not the best patient ever.
So this morning my diet finally got changed - I could have real food! And it's been grand. Well, the eating part is grand. My insides haven't fully adjusted yet so they get pretty cramped up pretty immediately, but I'm grateful that despite the discomfort they seem to be working. And I don't have a bag anymore! Hallelujah! Instead I have a little tube sticking out that drains whatever fluids are in my belly needing to be drained. After having my intestine stuck to my belly, one little tube is not a big deal. I'll take it.
With a little bit of luck I'll be out of here by tomorrow morning! And it should be a lovely bag-free Christmas. :) My surgeon is the best.

Happy Birthday

In a mere matter of days my little sister will be turning 30. I know what you're thinking "you're not old enough to have a younger sister that's 30!" You're right. I'm way too youthful for that. Well, actually now that I have had cancer I feel like I'm old enough to have a sister that age. I mean who gets colon cancer? Old people. And heavy drinkers. So, cheers everyone!

And in honor of her upcoming special day, here are 30 things you may not have known about dear old sis (I would've saved this for your ACTUAL birthday but since I'll be in the hospital and high on drugs that day I am not entirely secure in what 30 things would end up coming out of my brain):
1. Most people think she's older than me. Not because she looks older - well actually she DOES look more adult so it probably IS partly that - but she also has kids and I don't. So. She's often known around my apartment as "my older younger sister."
2. Her favorite singer when we were young was Billy Joel. I remember her showing me how to moonwalk to "Uptown Girl." But when you're 4 moonwalking is basically just walking backwards. So I picked up on the technique easily but I don't think it's all that accurate.
3. She still has an old school ipod. Like the ones that first came out. But I guess if it still works...
4. When we were kids I stuck a stick in her ear (my early days of wanting to be a doctor) and scratched her ear drum. I was pretty sure well into my adult life that this was the cause of her partial deafness. ....But it's not, right?
5. She tells her kids that my parents' dog is their dog that just lives at grandma's house so that they don't beg for a pet. So far it seems to be working.
6. She is a fantastic artist. Not, like, kinda good - like REALLY good. If I could show you some of the stuff she painted (or drew or watercolored or whatever) in high school I would.
7. I remember one Christmas when we were writing our letters to Santa and she just kept putting down everything I was putting down. It really bugged me so I wrote down "caterpillar" thinking she wouldn't be so bold as to put that down too - who would ACTUALLY want a caterpillar? - but she wrote that down too. She's gutsy like that.
8. She convinced me to go to BYU Hawaii with her one summer. I don't know why I needed convincing but that's beside the point. She met her husband, and I got a job working 4pm - midnight four days a week. So, good call there sis!
9. We took sign language classes together in high school and college. She was really good. I was okay. We used to have her sign stories and I would "interpret" them for all the hearing people. Sometimes I took liberties with what she was signing. I don't think she thought it was as funny as I thought it was.
10. I was there when her first child was born. I was the photographer but I stayed up near her head and only took very classy photos.
11. We went to outdoor school together. That was unusual only because it was the year they were transitioning from having outdoor school be in sixth grade to fifth grade. So both sixth and fifth graders went that year.
12. We had bunk beds when we were young. One night she was bugging me about something and when she dropped her head over the side of the top bunk to annoy me again I pulled on her sleeve and pulled her right off that bunk. She's never let me live it down.
13. We went on a family vacation to Hawaii sometime while she was dating her now-husband. It must've been near when they got engaged or shortly after it. All I remember is he wasn't on vacation with us and she was mopey without him the whole time. Psh. Crazy engaged folk.
14. We used to play duets on the piano. She had the harder parts because she was the better pianist. She's still the better pianist. I'm not even a pianist. That would be giving myself way too much credit.
15. She was there when I found out I passed the bar. I was at her house (which was right by my work) when I checked online. She was appropriately excited for me.
16. She and her husband got me my first law job. I now hope to spend every unemployed holiday at their house in hopes that it will happen again.
17. She loves licorice. Specifically Twizzlers.
18. She can quote movies with the best of them. Although I'm pretty sure now that most of her movie quotes come from Disney flicks.
19. We were on the same softball team growing up. She played 2nd base and I was shortstop and I always thought it was cool that we held down the middle of the infield.
20. When she was 14 she had a wheelchair for awhile. We liked to kick her out of it as often as possible and practice doing wheelies in it.
21. Despite living in almost constant pain from her stupid joints, she never ever complains. Ever. I've always thought that was amazing.
22. Her lung sometimes spontaneously collapses. She didn't realize that for awhile since she didn't go to the doctor because she figured she just had a cramp from being out of shape. I'm pretty sure she has a really high pain tolerance.
23. If I ever get to be a mom I want to be a mom like her. I think she's so good at it. She's patient, loving, firm, fun and supportive of her kids. And they're all great kids. My plan is to try and copy her someday.
24. She's awfully selfless. Despite having a family of her own, when I was in the midst of chemo and radiation treatments (because why not do both at once?) she came down and stayed with me for a week cooking and cleaning and taking me to my appointments. And she bought me donuts too. It was so great having her here. Both my roomie and I missed her a lot when she left!
25. She saves me from being set up with just any random available guy. I appreciate that she uses discernment and decides she's never going to subject me to going out with someone nicknamed "Dusty Buns."
26. She's an amazing photographer. I really think she could make money taking pictures if she wanted to.
27. She's a fantastic writer. Even writing stuff like thank you notes. People would call my parents to tell them what a nice thank-you note they received from her after her wedding. (People did that with my other siblings too. Thanks a lot guys - way to set the bar low. )
28. She's loyal to the end. If she's on your side she's ON. YOUR. SIDE. It's a fabulous trait to have in a sister and in a friend. I know if I ever need anything (even if it's someone to be mad with me) she's there.
29. She's beautiful. (Sometimes this is annoying).
30. She's the best sister anyone could ask for. It's been a fun 30 years knowing her and I'm grateful to have her in my life.

San Francisco

It's been a long time since I put any pictures up in my posts. The reason for that is pretty simple: I don't take many pictures. Plus...how do you take a picture of cysts? Gross.

But now it's picture time. I only put a couple up though because I'm not sure my trip companions would approve of the other pictures. Not that we took pictures of anything sketchy - just that we're girls and they mentioned something about needing to approve the way they looked in pictures before the general public could see them.

The weekend before Thanksgiving (a wonderful time deserving of a post of its own although I don't know if that will ever actually happen), Amy and Tiffany and I went to San Francisco to celebrate Tiffany's birthday. It was a magical time. A time when we could appreciate mother nature and all her cold and rainy glory.

Really though it was fun. We did all the touristy things (well not ALL, but a lot of them) from Fisherman's Wharf to watching the seals off Pier 39 (that IS the right pier number, right?) to Ghiradelli Square (it's freezing outside and I didn't bring the appropriate jacket? Absolutely I'll have an ice cream sundae!) to Muir Woods. Walking through Muir Woods was awesome. And I must be a big baby because both Amy and Tiffany gave me the clothes off of their backs to try and keep me warm. So Amy's walking around in a dress, Tiffany has a sweatshirt, and I'm wearing a sweatshirt, Amy's sweater, Tiffany's jacket, Amy's mittens and hat and carrying the only umbrella (it was raining). Needless to say I was fine but I think Amy and Tiffany might have ended up with pneumonia afterward. Thanks for the clothes friends! :) Happy birthday Tiffany!

Of course we went down the crookedest street in the world. And then took a picture by it. And then looked it up on Google to see if it really was the crookedest street. It's not. But it's probably the most popular crooked street in the world. It was crazy to see how many people were just standing around taking pictures of it. So we joined in and got a picture. Why not?

We also hit up Coit Tower. It doesn't seem particularly tall when you're looking at it, but you can see all of San Francisco from the top. And when you look up you can see angels. Just kidding, all you can see is the sky. I don't know why we're looking up in this picture.

So our trip was fun. It was also nice for me because I had spent the whole week up north visiting Leah and her fam trying to get in good with my niece and nephews before they came down for Thanksgiving and played with the more fun aunts and uncles. It almost worked. But Laney and Chris are good. I can't compete with them!

Cysts? Really?

Well I must say the effects of chemo are wearing off nicely. Besides having my toes and the tips of my fingers feel like they're semi-asleep-in-the-process-of-waking-up-pins-and-needles-like, things are going well! Can't complain. About cancer. Can't complain about cancer.

But since my organs seem to hate me, certainly it would be crazy to just feel well again. So where my intestines have finally started to simmer down, my ovaries have decided to take up the protest against being in my abdomen. What is with everybody in there?! Why can't we all get along? Anyway I don't know if I explained this before but back before I got all radiated the doctors decided to go ahead and move my ovaries up out of their usual spot so that they wouldn't die. Seemed like a nice plan. And I'm glad they did it. But apparently my ovaries don't like being up by my kidneys because one of them has revolted and instead of being its usual walnut size it has ballooned up into the size of my fist. And it's pushing against my kidney and causing a fair amount of pain. Boo! I guess ovarian cysts (that's the problem here) are fairly common - especially when you "transpose" ovaries. And a lot of cysts are painless and go away on their own. If only that was the case here! I mean, it may go away on its own (fingers crossed) but it has decided to make itself known in the meantime with all its stabby pain. It almost makes me miss cancer. Almost.

Anyway besides the constant cyst pain things are going swimmingly. And a week from today I have my last surgery! So close to being DONE done forever! I can't wait. I think I'll have to celebrate by getting a job. Ah the life of an adult. :)

Happy 11/11/11

Well it's a few weeks out from my last chemo treatment and I am finally starting to feel like myself again! Now all I have to do is ditch the bag and I'll be good as new (minus almost a foot of my colon)! But seriously I'm almost done. And, most importantly, as of Tuesday's appointment with the oncologist, it's official: I'm cancer free! Woo hoo! I totally took down cancer. Being young (in cancer world) is awesome.

I think maybe the best part of being cancer free is being able to think again. Wait, no the BEST part is being alive, but the second best part is feeling like you get your brain back. It's a very weird feeling to not be able to think straight. Which is how I feel like I've spent the past year - not able to concentrate on things, taking forever to understand concepts (like how to play Dominion), and forgetting stuff all the time. But now I feel like my brain is starting to work again and it's fantastic. I was worried I might just forever be in a fog (who knows how those brain synapses work - I thought I might have lost them for good!), but I am happy to report that the synapses are starting to fire again. In fact I even played Dominion again and finally got it! I didn't have to ask inane questions or stare at my cards forever trying to get what they did - I just played! And I won! Woo hoo!

I'm also glad that the ADD feeling is going away. I had a hard time this last year concentrating on any given thing long enough to enjoy it (i.e. movies felt long and boring, I couldn't read anything for longer than a couple pages, I got bored with whatever task I was doing and wanted to move on even while feeling way too tired to actually move on), but now I can wait in lines for hours and be fine! I discovered this while waiting yesterday to get into the taping of the Conan show. We got to the studio at 1:30p and the taping didn't start until 4:30p. If this had happened during my chemo time I would've struggled. But yesterday I was totally fine standing around or sitting around eavesdropping on other peoples' conversations. For a good 20 minutes I learned all about the three guys behind me and their experiences with improv classes. They talked forever about scenes they did and different techniques they were learning. It's almost like I had a free lesson myself! I also learned it took one guy 7 months to find a job. That made me a little nervous because all too soon (after my last surgery) I'm going to need to find a job myself. What if no one will hire me for seven months?! Or longer?! I hate job hunting.

Anyway Conan was fun. It's the first show taping I've ever been to. Not that we haven't tried before. We have. This was our third time trying to get to a show and our first successful attempt. Third time's the charm! The first time we were stuck in traffic and ended up sitting at a dead stop on some side street forever as the time passed by. And we both agreed that that was the WORST traffic we've ever been in. Dead stop. Forever. It was horrible.

The second time we got to the show two minutes after the time you're supposed to show up and they wouldn't let us get in line. Literally two minutes late. And we were turned away.

But this time we were there plenty early and we made it in! Huzzah! Thank you Conan for an entertaining afternoon. And thank you chemo for having worked your way out of my body enough that I was able to enjoy the Conan experience. Good times living cancer free!

Oh, and happy Veteran's Day everyone! Enjoy your 11/11/11!

Dominion

Does anyone play Dominion? I've played several times now and I'm terrible at it. You'd almost think I was trying to lose. That's how badly I do in comparison to everyone else playing. Last night there were four of us and in the third game I thought "finally I think I did alright - I'm quite sure I didn't win but at least I kept up." But no. My score of 56 paled in comparison to everyone else's 90s scores. What the crap?

I'd like to think that I could blame my poor performances on chemo - my brain just doesn't work like it used to - but I think I just don't get how to play the game. I need to practice in secret and then come back stronger. Like a panther. But I don't think I'll be able to do it. I seriously don't know what I'm doing wrong with that game. It's beyond my mental abilities. I guess I should stick to games at my level. Like Sorry and Candy Land. Totally get the strategy of those games: draw the right card/stack the deck in your favor. Next time I go to game night I'm bringing one of those with me.

I forgot to mention

That when I came home from the treatment center my room was FILLED with balloons and there was a congratulatory banner across the walls welcoming me home. There were flowers and cards and I got a micromink blanket! Woo hoo! Coming home and seeing all the love made me feel like a million bucks which, as my friends know, I rarely feel like lately. I hover somewhere around $25 - $400,000 depending on the day. But a million bucks? That's a rarity.

Now it's been about a week and the balloons are still around. I wasn't sure what to do with them. Popping them seemed....mean. So I guess my option was to let them slowly run out of air or spontaneously pop on their own. OR I could take them all and put them in my little sisters' bathroom thus filling the room up to waist level. I decided on the latter. This way everyone gets to enjoy the surprise of a room full of balloons! Maybe it seems like re-gifting, but I'm pretty sure they loved it. They just held the love in behind feelings of "what the heck?" But really. Who doesn't love having to empty their bathroom of balloons in order to use said bathroom early in the morning before seminary? Just spreading the love.

The day after

I'm done! Well, done with the transfusions. Still got about two weeks of chemo pill taking ahead of me. But still that's one major hurdle down!

So today is the day after transfusion day. I gotta say I was not looking to sitting in that little treatment center at ALL. I knew it meant the end of the line but it still felt like another opportunity to get sick again and what psycho looks forward to THAT? Not this one! But I WAS looking forward to the days following the transfusion in which I would start to feel better knowing I wouldn't have to go back there and get shot up again! And so far it's been good. I didn't throw up on my way home (which was lucky because this time I had a doctor's appointment right after my transfusion and I didn't want to throw up in the waiting room of his office), and I haven't thrown up yet! My hands and feet so far are doing alright and my sore jaw is sore but not as bad as it has been in the past. Basically this last transfusion has not been the worst one (knock on wood) and I am so grateful for that!

Then again I did sleep through most of yesterday and today (I sleep like a rock right now) so that's one good way to avoid any unpleasant side effects. I only wake up for my mom to feed me my pills and some food and a couple times I've tried to watch TV (fell asleep both times). So mostly I spend my time letting my body recover however it wants to. And in response it (my body) treats me fairly nicely; no big puking sessions or the like.

How's everyone else? Days been good? I hope so. Happy Friday to you all.

I have nothing to say today.

Alright I admit it. I'm not good at keeping up the blog. It's been almost three weeks and I know that because I can measure my time out by treatments (helpful!) and last time I posted was somewhere around treatment #5. And it's almost time for the last one! I feel like I should be more excited. I think I'll be excited once I'm not feeling that sick anymore from the treatment, but right now it's hard to get amped up to get sickly again. But soon enough I'll be done with it and well on my way to touching anything cold that I want to whenever I want! Maybe I'll start eating ice cream with my fingers! Just because! ....Probably not though. Too sticky. I'll stay with just grabbing stuff out of the fridge willy-nilly. Drinking Jamba Juice! Eating bagels! Okay bagels aren't necessarily cold but I'd really like to eat one right now.

In the meantime I've been working with my partner to get our stuff written (it's taken long enough with this whole cancer thing going on in the background. Or the foreground.) and otherwise enjoying my time away from Xeloda and Oxaliplatin. My two frienemy drugs. (is that how you spell "frienemy?" Or is it just "frenemy?" Whatever.)

The point is nothing too exciting has happened and I therefore haven't updated my blog. But I should probably stop thinking about blogging as a way to report events and start thinking about it as a place to just say whatever I want. Freeeeeedommmmm! So lets see, is there anything I want to talk about? Blast. There's not. Guess that wraps this baby up!

Five down, one to go

I made it through treatment #5! I was worried about it; can't say as I ever get excited about my next treatment even though I know each one gets me closer to the end. Still the thought of getting stabbed, sitting in the chair for a couple hours having poison poured into my bloodstream, and then getting up feeling all kinds of woozy and cold and weird usually wins out over the thought "one more down!"

But now, days later, the "one more down" is starting to sink in a little more. They lowered my dosage a little bit this round which I think contributed to my hands and feet feeling a little less sensitive (i.e. they didn't hurt as soon as we got in the cold hallway). But it didn't seem to lessen the nausea. It was odd - I didn't feel that ill feeling of "I have to throw up" but I did have an objective feeling of "yes, I will throw up shortly." I managed to hold it in until we were on the freeway when it just couldn't be helped. And since I didn't have much to throw up in (we did find a plastic bag) I managed to make a mess of my clothes and my car. Whoops! I bet my mom was glad I offered to take MY car instead of her car like we usually do! A quick stop at a gas station to clean up and try to puke anything else that might be lingering up and we were on our way again.

Nothing like throw up stories on blogs.

Since then I've felt much better; no throwing up! The side effects are what they are (as usual) and I can manage to sleep the better part of the day away and think nothing of it, but as long as the toxins are killing off what they're supposed to then so be it. I'll take the side effects if it means I get to live!

Today I ate ice cream

The title really says it all. There's nothing like a little chemo to make you appreciate the finer things in life. Like eating ice cream. Usually (read: for the two and a half weeks following each treatment) I can't touch or ingest anything cold. I've said that before - I think everyone gets the point by now. But not being able to eat anything cold means you give up a lot of deliciousness. Mainly ice cream and Jamba Juice. But today I was able to eat ice cream! For the first time since my 2nd treatment (the cold thing never wore off after the third treatment)! And it was just as good as I remembered it.
Tomorrow I'm going to have a Jamba Juice. Gotta live this up while I can 'cause come Thursday we're back in the chemo saddle (boo and yay - almost done!). But don't worry Mom - other than the daily cold thing I'm going to have, I'll try to eat healthy like I told you I would. Gotta keep those red blood cells and white blood cells up!

Dreaming

All the sleeping I've been doing has led to some amazing dreams. I usually dream about stuff related to my day. They're usually good dreams, they're just...not crazy. But now on chemo they're crazy. In a very entertaining way. I often wake up thinking "I just dreamed what would be a great movie." But once awake I realize that sleepy me doesn't make wise, rational, or logical decisions.

Like once I had a dream about a fat girl who was sister to the two main characters in my dream and her name was Lorna Doone and I thought that was BRILLIANT! Or the time I dreamed I was playing soccer (quite well really) in a vanilla ice cream field covered in whip cream. It was like playing in snow except I was really tempted to eat the snow/ice cream. But I didn't because of the same reason you don't eat food off the ground (unless you just dropped it): society frowns on you.

I should start writing my dreams down here as soon as I wake up because I think they're pretty good. But maybe making them accessible to the public would show me that they're not actually good. And I would stop making plans to make money off writing scripts based on my dreams. Because the other thing is I don't dream whole movies although I think I do while it's happening. I wake up thinking "I have a whole story!" only to realize "wait, I have a scene in which my sister-in-law is getting a lifetime award for cheerleading and is suspended above the ground on wires."

Anyway I am grateful for this side effect of chemo because at least it's a fun one!

Round 4 Down

Since the advent of the two additional anti-nausea medications, I am happy to report that I don't usually feel like throwing up. Of course the sentiment hits me on occasion, but for the greater part of the day that's not something I'm left dealing with. Which is great.

My newest struggle is to stay awake. My little cocktail of drugs I take (to weather the chemo) really knocks me out. I've never slept so soundly in my life (and I consider myself a fairly sound sleeper)! Just yesterday my mom would wake me up and ask me if I wanted to eat (which I never do but I need to in order to take the chemo pills), and I said yes and as she got up to get me some food I promptly fell asleep again. Like OUT asleep. Where you have to shake someone to wake them up. That happened three times in a row. Finally around 11pm I pulled it together enough to be awake by the time my food got to me.

Other than the sleepiness I'm alright. There's the general malaise feeling of being sick and, of course, the mittens I sport since I can't touch anything cold. Including silverwear. That stuff is icy! But it's all the same stuff as before so now it's just a matter of puttering through. Taking the licks as they come and hoping the days go by quickly. And trust me, when you sleep through most of them, they go by quickly.

I'm still dreading rounds 5 and 6 since all these side effects are cumulative and they don't seem to be getting any easier, but hopefully I'll just sleep right through those too and call it good. :) Because come mid-October I should be doing great again! Or at least good again! And I surely cannot wait for that.

So long, farewell...

Today is my last day in NC. Well, assuming the hurricane doesn't wreck my flight plans. I think it'll probably all work out fine. Any ideas for what I should do on my last day? I thought of getting souvenirs from North Carolina as if I've lived here for months and I need to show off to people what it's like to have been where I've been. But I don't really know what souvenir represents my experience here. Should I bring home a jar of mist and say it's the humidity? Have some? Also, when you're in a place like this I don't know where you find shops for souvenirs. Maybe I should just go to the Bass Pro Shop. I've passed it a couple times in my travels and it looks HUGE from the outside. In fact I think there's something about "world" in the sign. Like "Bass Pro Shop Outdoor World" or something. Anyway the sheer size makes me think maybe it's indicative of what life is like out here; lots of outdoorsy stuff - hunting, fishing, buying nifty camping gear. Actually as I'm thinking about it maybe I really WILL go over there today. Except I bet the place is full of dead animals. Nevermind, I probably won't go over there.

Today is my last day of going on set. So far my set experience has been good. Except it was a little embarrassing last night when I was leaving and talking to my dad I was mentioning how (judging on the scene I had just been watching) it was a good thing they had such good actors because it's a lot more likely this movie is actually going to be good. Only to have my dad turn around and say hello to Woody Harrelson who had been walking right behind us. He said he didn't hear me though so I think I'm in the clear. ....Then again he's an actor so maybe he was faking the whole "I don't eavesdrop" thing.

And first on the agenda today (well third - behind breakfast and showering) will be packing (more like re-packing) my suitcase. It's big enough it does look like I've been here for a month. But no, it's just been a matter of days. Or weeks. Whatever. I hate re-packing. And I hate unpacking. But packing for the first time - like when you're getting ready to go somewhere - doesn't bother me. Re-packing to go home is like work. You have to take everything out, re-fold stuff, figure out how to separate the dirty clothes from tainting the clean ones, fit in souvenirs, etc. What a pain!

Oh well, I still say the trip was worth any re-packing that has to be done. I'll be sad to leave my dad behind but I don't feel too bad for him - just a couple more weeks and then he's done and gets to go to the BYU game in Texas with the rest of the men in the family (there aren't that many of them but it's still a minor miracle that they're all in on this trip). All in all, you've been hot and humid, but good to me North Carolina. Maybe I'll see you again around Thanksgiving.

U.S. National Whitewater Center

As I mentioned before, we went on a few athletic adventures while in NC. The first of which was to go whitewater rafting. I had to sit that one out since my hands and feet were still so sensitive to cold that being in the water would make them feel like they were being stabbed. I don't know for certain, but I'm fairly positive that would make for an unpleasant rafting trip. Dropped oars, grimace faces, howling in pain - that sort of thing. Maybe even screams of "don't let it touch me! don't let it touch me!!" I can only imagine the carnage. Anyway I decided to be the photographer. I only have a point and shoot camera so I do what I can but I make no promises.

So far so good....

You may not be able to tell but that's the family raft there in that rapid. That's right before mom and Delaney were ousted. And Bryn was practically a goner though she was saved by her brother after (according to sources in the boat) a look of "is anyone going to stop this from happening?!"

And here we see that the raft didn't quite make it after a different rapid. Everybody out! Floating down in front we have most members of my family. To the right we have a perfectly fine raft laughing at our family's misfortune.

We also took on some rock climbing. Of course I sat this one out too but not because my hands or feet are sensitive. Mostly because I have no muscles and would not be able to pull my body up any sort of wall. Even a ladder is sketchy. Lets not get into walls that jut out parallel to the ground. No thank you.

The boys navigating the hard wall

We also indulged in a little zip lining. I took part in this activity. After all, sitting in a sling and zipping over rafters and other bits of nature is just up my alley.

Looking good pre-helmets.

You may be asking "why did she put on a baby's helmet?" She didn't. That's a regular adult helmet. Her head is just that big.

I guess it's just a family thing: large heads that make our helmets look ridiculous. Not so for the in-laws: their helmets actually fit over the portion of their head they're supposed to. Nice job in-laws. Give those grandkids a fighting chance.

There was also some more calm still water kayaking. Again, hands and feet kept me lounging in the sun by the dock.

Sure they all look like friends now but you'd better believe there was a mud war.

Sometimes an oar just doesn't do the trick and you want to paddle with your hands for maximum efficiency. ...I mean, that's probably what Hannah's doing here.....

Done for the day.

Bowling

My technique is lacking

A number of my friends participated in a bowling league this summer. I refrained, not because I'm above bowling (I'm probably below it), but because the league started fairly soon after my last surgery and I wasn't allowed to lift anything over 5lbs. And the lightest bowling ball was 6lbs. "What's 1lb?" you say? Well when you're running up and heaving it down a lane I think the velocity of the ball and stuff makes it heavier. At least that's the story I'm going with.

Anyway I thought that perhaps as the weeks went by I could be a substitute on any one of the three bowling teams should someone be absent and should the team be looking for an average-ability level bowler. Thankfully none of them were. Because as I learned yesterday bowling here in North Carolina with the fam, I am not an average ability level bowler. I am far below average.

We went to a bowling alley that time forgot. It looked straight out of 1969 and smelled like your grandma's house if your grandma still lives in the house she raised all her kids in. There was nothing flashy about the place (well, except for orange the carpeted walls), and all scoring had to be done by hand. On paper. With a pencil. That had no eraser.

They did have projectors, like perhaps at one time - in their hey-day (is it "hay day?") - they had transparencies that you could keep score on and then project the scores up on the wall above the lanes in some modern new-fangled way to be hip. But they put that time behind them and went back to good ol' fashioned paper and pencil.

I'd like to think that perhaps my bowling failure could be chalked up to my brother's poor score keeping skills. But between the fact that he's an accountant and my score only changed by one or two pins every time I rolled the ball, I'm pretty sure his math was solid. It was my bowling that wasn't solid.

We bowled two games and in the second game by the time I had bowled five frames my score was 18. Five frames. Half of a game. And I wasn't even to 20. And I wasn't trying to be funny either and bowl all crazy like "whatever guys - I don't care, I don't bowl for reals, I only bowl to try different amusing techniques!" That was just how bad I was at bowling.

So good thing I never subbed on anyone's bowling team this summer. Because when you're lucky to break 80, no one wants you on their team. ...But on the plus side people do like bowling with you because no matter how they did, at least they did better than you. (Except if you're Delaney - heh heh heh).

North Carolina

I've been out here with the fam for a little under a week now. And you'll be happy to know that I made it the whole plane ride over without throwing up! It was a miracle! In fact I didn't throw up at all until the other day when we had lunch on the set and I ate too much chicken and just couldn't keep it all down. Throwing up in a giant room with a bunch of people you don't know is never ideal but I made the most of it (I think) and managed to wait until my mom ran and grabbed me a trash can before I really let loose. And, in my defense, I turned my back to the masses. Still, I feel bad for the people walking back to work watching me retch. Because they were probably thinking "I just ate that too. Sickening."

ANYWAY. Besides that snafu, I've managed to be more or less fine on this trip! The nausea is under control, I rest as often as possible, and I only once felt like I avoided a serious fainting head dive into the putting green we were playing on. In other words: one narrowly avoided fainting spell (everything went black and I lurched for a bench but I made it and staved off conking out completely) and one puking incident and I am rolling along like a champ. Sometimes though I forget that just because I don't want to throw up doesn't mean the other side effects aren't in full force. I have to try to take it easy which isn't easy when you just want to be on vacation and play. But the good news is even in my "easy" state I'm having fun.

We've done all kinds of things on our trip: raced go-karts, played lazer tag, went to the movies, watched a double header minor league baseball game (and ordered fried pickles), went whitewater rafting, rock climbing, kayaking, ziplining and some of us even did a "mega jump" (i.e. a controlled free fall from however many stories up). We've also played some billiards and used the putting green at the hotel, and of course we daily go over to the set for free lunch/dinner and to watch them shoot a little of whatever scene they're on. So yes. North Carolina has been great. And I'm glad to be here!

Before I fall back asleep

I would just like to say that the Emend team of champions is working! I do not have the urgent need to throw up all of my insides! It is wonderful. And gives me a lot of hope for my upcoming travels (since they start tomorrow). Hooray!

On the flip side, the Ativan/Baclophan team is also doing it's job if it's job is to knock me out 23 of the 24 hours of the day. I don't mind it - sleepy time is not puking time - but it's a very odd sensation to feel like your body's all heavy and you shuffle around bumping into walls and stuff for balance. Even right now I woke up and realized someone had braided half of my head. I don't know when that happened. But I'll take it.

When I'm out I'm OUT. Last night I tried to watch Secretariate (sp?) with my mom and grandma but couldn't even stay awake through the exciting race parts. My mom would slap my foot and say "they're about to race!" and I would lurch awake and blink rapidly trying to keep my eyes open but....those races are long. Like a mile or something. I didn't fare so well.

The important thing is that when I'm awake I feel alright. Not good. Not illness free. But okay. And "okay" is waaaay better than last time! So thanks for all the prayers everyone - they are working!!!

Drug Wars

Today was my third round of chemo. I'm pretty sure there are some major battles going on in my body. And I'm just sort of chilling on the outskirts waiting to see who wins what battles. First of all my poor little white blood cells have lost numbers so they're doing what they can but most of them have succumbed to the slaughter. I asked the nurse today if there was anything I could do to boost their moral (and numbers) and she said she heard mushrooms help but she was skeptical because she couldn't see how ingesting a fungus would help fungal-fighting cells to bounce back.

Anyway so the red blood cells have taken a hit in numbers too. But to make up for it the ones that are left are all a little fat. That's not a joke. I'm low on most things, but the width of my white blood cells is high. I KNEW I had Samoan in my blood.

So my immune system is battling against the Oxaliplatin and Xeloda - the two chemo drugs who are fighting against any cancer cells remaining in my body. Everyone's on the same side but...it's like we have some intra-rivalries going on: the enlisted soldiers don't like the calvary or something like that. (I don't know enough about the military to make coherent analogies. But I know if I had to walk around and there were guys that got to ride horses I'd probably not like those guys. Even if they were on my side.)

The Oxaliplatin and Xeloda are my offensive team (moving to sports analogies?). They're a little brutal but all about getting their job done. The problem is the leave a wake of terror behind them. So, to clean up their mess I have a defensive lets-keep-you-functional-or-at-least-close-enough-that-you-can-fake-functional team. This team is comprised of Emend, Zofran, Compazine, Ativan and Baclophen (sp?). So many drugs. Coursing through my (apparently semi-empty) veins.

I'll tell you what. Team defense is doing a great job today. I don't feel nauseated! Which is a VAST improvement over this time last round where I had already puked up everything I'd eaten. Unfortunately team offense is not JUST about trying to get me to throw up; it messes with my muscles and sensitivity to cold and ability to feel my brain connected to my body (don't worry - I'm not allowed to drive or operate heavy machinery in my current state). I'm sitting here typing in mittens because my fingers are ever ready to welcome that cold pins and needles feeling that renders them useless. Knife too cold to hold to cut the chicken? Nice try hands. I'll get you some mittens. Keep working.

My muscles spasm all over which is totally fine - if not weird - but the bad part is my hands are all shakey. So trying to feed myself means I get three of the ten peas on my fork into my mouth. And holding cups up to my mouth to drink has the edges rattling around against my teeth. So I guess the point of this trial is to have a bit of empathy for people over 80? No more pointing and laughing when they can't get a forkful of peas in their mouth. Now I've been there too. Fist bump old people. I get you now.

I think maybe the Ativan has kicked in. What am I even talking about? ...And is it alright that everything goes dark when I sit up straight or stand? And the darkness lingers for a bit before clearing up? That's just there to make my life more interesting, right?

Hope tomorrow is as fun as today! (Today I slept for....I don't know - a LOT of the day and it was grand). As long as all my anti-nausea team keeps working I'm going to be a happy camper! With mittens.

The good

Is beginning again! The nausea (at least the worst of it) has passed and now it's just a matter of dealing with crazy exhaustion (oxymoron?). I've laid low and enjoyed it. Of course there are some drawbacks. Like the fact that nothing is on TV in the middle of the day. But it did inspire me to sit down at the piano for a minute and try to remember (because sight reading is apparently not going to happen) how to play. I met marginal success. But really if in the end I can't decide if the reason the song sounds wrong is because I'm hitting the wrong notes or because the piano is out of tune, I'm probably not about to enter any talent competitions. At least not any that I could win. Or even place in.

Right now we're watching "Supernatural" because Hannah's friend gave her all the seasons and I guess we ran out of acceptable things to watch so here we are. So far what I gather is that a lot of people die in this show (extras), the brothers fight all the time but always make up, and demons are burned by holy water. I suppose Hannah gets to pick some of what we watch because she IS an invalid right now but this does seem a little excessive. She's not THAT hurt. It was only extensive surgery.

The last couple of days when food has sounded good again I've really wanted two things: a cold drink (which I can't have yet, so still waiting on that one) and tortellini in alfredo sauce. So tonight I made some alfredo sauce! And, if I do say so myself, it was quite delicious. If that's not a sure sign I'm doing better I don't know what is.

I want a cast iron stomach for Christmas

So I emailed my oncologist to tell him I was frequently throwing up - just to make sure that it was normal and not a bad thing. There's a list of things that you're supposed to contact your doctor about if they happen and I was pretty sure not being able to keep anything in me (especially those all important liquids...oh and the drugs) was one of them. So when I asked "is it alright that I'm throwing up daily? I don't have a fever" (their biggest concern I feel), he responded "yah, no, daily vomiting is bad."

Not bad enough that I have to go to the hospital or anything (although I feel like I might like an IV juicing me up with fluids), but just not necessary. So he upped my anti-nausea meds and told me they should help me get through the next few days. And he was right! For about 36 hours. And then I ventured out of my normal fare of late (read: mashed potatoes, apple sauce, water and ensure or protein shakes warmed up to be more like hot chocolate when my mom can force me) and tried to eat a "real" dinner. And it was delicious. Up until it all came back out. Boo!

I think my stomach is just being weak. C'mon stomach - get it together! Motion sickness was bad enough, and now this?! Fickle fickle!

I feel like the next thing on the list (of things my stomach can't handle) will be exotic or adventurous foods. I'm not much of an adventurous eater anyway, but now I bet if I tried something outside my known palate my stomach would reject it. My stomach is determined to make me the most boring person ever: no roller coasters, no leaving bed when you're sick, and next up - no trying interesting foods. Boo stomach!

Ah, nieces and nephews

The past couple of days my niece and nephews have been here. I always love having them around - they crack me up. And thankfully, while I don't think they really get how sick I am, they don't try to jump on me or come wake me up in the morning by poking my eyes or anything. But they do ask why I don't participate more in the family activities. I had this exchange with my 4 year old nephew as he was sitting in the pool yesterday:

Him: I wish you could come swim with us. But you didn't bring your suit did you.
Me: No, I left my suits at my apartment.
Him: Why did you do that?
Me: Because none of them fit me anymore.
Him: Then why do you still have them?
Me: ....Good question....

He also asked me why I'd been in the same bed ALL DAY LONG. And didn't I want to get up already??

But despite the inquiries into why I'm a bump on a log, he DID put on a blanket as a cape and ran around like a superhero doing helpful things for me. He'd race in, ask how he could help, and then grab whatever I was carrying and carry it for me to my final destination (which was basically all the help he COULD give me - I don't do much).

Having those kids around makes me happy.

Now if I can only get my other married siblings to give me more nieces and nephews.... heh heh heh!

Round 2 (ding ding ding ding!)

Okay round one of this stretch of chemo was no fun. I felt super sick which is the one thing I hate feeling the most (although this "most" thing does tend to change with whatever fun side effect I am currently enduring). But this round two puts round one to shame. And it makes me super nervous about how things are going to be come round six. Yikes stripes, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" never felt so apt!

I've spent the last four days mostly laying in bed. Occasional attempts to be normal and walk around, shower, visit with friends, etc. have all been met with puking sessions. So I've decided to accept that I don't get to be normal for the week and embrace my new found ability to throw up at the drop of a hat. Honestly, I'm pretty sure I could throw up at any time - it's really a matter of will power keeping it all down most of the time. And sometimes will power loses out to chemo and up come the little contents of my stomach.

The other side effects - super painful jaw anytime I start chewing, or even just swallowing, tight/lump in my throat making drinking undesirable, pins in my hands and feet painful enough to render them useless if they get just a little bit cold, muscle spasms all over, and intense pain behind my eyes any time I yawn or well up (you'd better believe I'm trying to avoid anything that might make me cry) - are also unpleasant. Uncomfortable. You know. Basically the way it goes when you're undergoing treatment for cancer. Oh, and my voice is all weird. I guess chemo can do that to you (or so said my oncologist)?

But the constant feeling of wanting to puke your guts out? Ugh. The worst.

Thankfully I am under the watchful, and ever loving, eye of my mother and my two youngest sisters and they are doing a superb job of taking care of me. Superb. And Jenn and Ammon massaged my head and feet last night after I threw up so really....best friends and family ever. I am really grateful to be at my parents' house. I wish I didn't have to impose on people like this, but I'm glad that they don't make it feel like an imposition. Thanks family!

Exercising?

Unless you count the time I went on a bike ride and kind of wanted to die, I'm pretty sure I haven't exercised in...7 months. Between the surgeries and treatments and whatnot there just weren't many days I felt like doing it. Lately though (i.e. the two months in between the last surgery and the start up of chemo again) I think I've just avoided it because I'm still getting used to the bag. I DO have a nifty little "stealth belt" which is supposed to make the bag secure for sporting endeavors (including water skiing!), but I guess I still don't trust my little bag to stay in place while I'm running around being sporty. So I mostly don't exercise. Once in awhile I'll walk around more than usual (like random pacing?), or do a few fake push-ups (okay that only happened once and I think I only managed 5), but mostly I try to hold as still as possible and not upset the bag. You get burned by ol' baggie a few times and you learn to respect whatever baggie wants.

That said, after the first treatment and feeling pretty crummy, these last few days I've started to feel like my old self again. And my old self used to like to go play volleyball on Wednesday nights. So my newly feeling good self decided to strap on the stealth belt (also supposedly helpful in case you want to "get intimate") and go be like my old self.

It was great to be doing something again, but honestly quite a pathetic showing. Most pathetic of all was realizing that my vertical is now 2". That's not an exaggeration. I could barely get my fingertips over the net when trying to jump as high as possible. Which was awkward when I would get set the ball and would try to jump and hit it and would over-estimate how much time I thought I would be in the air. Never good when you jump, land almost immediately, and then hit the ball.

I didn't even try blocking. Occasionally I'd stick an arm up there like I was something to be afraid of, but I'm pretty sure all the hitters just ignored those little fingers poking over the net and hit the ball wherever they wanted to. One time I actually grazed the ball as it was coming over and excitedly yelled out "TOUCH!" but I'm pretty sure my team was not impressed with my ability to touch the ball and yet have no impact at all on it's trajectory or speed.

Next time, next time.

Also, turns out you use your quads in volleyball. Many of you volleyball players may not have noticed this because you have quad muscles and so it's no big thing to be semi-squatting a lot. But if you're me and you lost all your muscles somewhere between January and now (they abandon you so quickly), trying to call them back to activity - even church level - means you'll end up awfully sore the next day. So. Pathetic. And also, if you're not used to smacking the ball with your hand, or absorbing the hits off of guys, then the next day all you have to do is run your hand over your little radiuses (radii?) and your whole arm will feel like a giant bruise.

I'm totally hard core.

I miss limbo

It has begun. The good news is I am currently on the upswing part of the week - so every day I feel a bit better. I mean today I even had an appetite, ate and didn't want to throw up right after! Woo hoo! Win!

So last Thursday was my first infusion (injection? I don't know what it's supposed to be called.) and it was an interesting experience. Sitting in the room with everyone else, all of us with our IVs in, looking around wondering who's sicker than you, appreciating that you're young enough to walk around still...good times. I did sit there for long enough that I had to get up to go to the bathroom at one point so they unplug the IV from the wall (it has a battery so it still works - don't worry) and you take it with you to the bathroom. The last time I had to carry a pole with a bunch of IV bags and whatnot hanging off it was when I was in the hospital and could only shuffle around like I was 80, so this time it was kind of great to be able to jump up (and be wearing real clothes as opposed to the flowy hospital "gown" - more like a sheet with snaps to create an arm hole and strings to tie behind your neck - just what you want to be wearing when you're walking up and down public hallways) and prance over to the restroom no big deal.

The actual infusion experience wasn't so bad. My chair was comfortable, my mom was there to watch Bones on Netflix with me, I didn't feel sick while I was sitting there - all in all not too bad. I met probably the 5th social worker since being diagnosed (they are everywhere and always eager to help you out, which is nice) - I don't know how they always know when you're new to the next phase but they do and they come to talk to you. It's kind of impressive.

A couple hours after the infusion things started getting worse. And by the next day I felt like crap. That lasted for a few days. Juuuust long enough to make me miss out on all the delicious goodies of Independence Day. Yes, I'm still bitter about it. I think I'm always bitter about missing out on holiday food. Holiday food is the best! Though, on the plus side, I am now lighter than what my driver's license says. And that license weight hasn't been true since...I don't even know when. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

But besides missing out on delicious all-American food - including ice cream which I LOVE - (actually I did try to eat the ice cream. It probably wasn't smart. I can't eat cold things so I tried to let it melt - with the help of some hot fudge - but even in it's soupy state it was cold enough to trigger the throat tightening which sucked), the 4th of July was fabulous. We played on the beach, I got to see my niece and nephews (and their parents who I also like), we sang patriotic songs and watched fireworks. What more could you want? There was a sand castle building contest, ultimate frisbee, body boarding, laying out... and like any good cancer patient undergoing chemo would, I spent the entire time on the beach in a t-shirt, jeans, socks AND shoes lounging in the shade of various umbrellas. Yep. I'm the cool kid.

Anyway. Gotta enjoy the next week and a half before the bad part of chemo cycles back around. Happy July everyone!

Chemo limbo

So I'm still waiting to hear when I can get in the IV transfusion rotation. Maybe it was smart of the doctors to keep me waiting like this because now in my mind it's gone from "this sucks" to the anticipation of "I hope they'll take me!"
Kind of feels like I'm trying to get into college or something.

Anyway in the meantime it's been a couple weeks now of the daily pills. So far it hasn't been too bad. It's only been in the last couple of days that I've started to feel the effects. Thankfully I still have something of an appetite so when Ammon and Drew (and Bonzai) made a delicious family Sunday dinner last night (and Evan set the table very nicely - I was the only one who laid on the couch in the fetal position like a loser) I was able to partake and even enjoy! I'm usually okay to eat - it's only afterward that I feel less than stellar.

But you know a good way to feel better? Play card games after dinner and win. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha! (Okay it doesn't really help with the sickness feeling but it does help with the ego)

This last Saturday (subject change) I got to see most of my family (Dad and sister #2 were out of state and thus out of attendance) at a rockin' pool party. I myself didn't do any swimming; I've decided that though my bag friend SHOULD be okay in the water I just don't really want to test it unless I really really really want to swim. And the only time I want to swim that badly is when it's over 100 degrees outside. Which it wasn't this last weekend. So I laid poolside (and by "laid" I mean "sat in a chair in the shade") and enjoyed snacks, family bonding, and the antics of nieces and nephews. Those kids are hilarious.

The moral of the story is, I haven't gotten to REALLY start my last 18 weeks of chemo (I'm only counting the start from whenever I get the first IV dose since I don't get to stop until I've survived 18 weeks of that), but things have still been pretty good.

Hannah Got Married!

So this week, on a Monday, Hannah took the proverbial plunge and got married. It was awesome. And I think she was smart to get married on a Monday - then you can see who your REAL friends are if they come to witness your nuptials. ;)

I would've taken more pictures but my camera died. But hey, you get the idea.

Easily the highlight of the evening. Alex and Hannah sang "Alone" by Heart. Trust me, if my camera would've zoomed without dying I'd have a better picture than this. I feel kind of sad for anyone who didn't get to witness it in person. Hilarious.

Of course there was a pre-cake cutting battle with knives. Pretty sure Hannah won.

Sorry Amy that I mostly cut your head off in this....

The bride in all her glory. Love the dress!

Congratulations you guys!

Let the chemo begin

It's been awhile and I don't really have a good excuse for that. And I know that's true because whenever someone asks me what I've been up to I think about it for a minute and have to conclude..."nothing really." And when they respond "Nothing? So what does that entail?" I have to explain that it really means...nothing. I don't know. I cannot account for my time. Although I was thinking about it this morning and I decided that the best explanation for it is to say that whatever it is you do every night when you get home from work - that's what I do, only I do it in the daytime. And then in the night time I talk to my roommates (the actual one and the psuedo one), watch SYTYCD, occasionally go out, debate what to eat for dinner, etc. Not much to report on, you know?

Anyway it's time to catch everyone up on the treatment plan! What? You thought it was all over because they took the tumor out? Oh-ho-ho-ho-no. No, we're only MOSTLY done. And by "mostly" I mean...just over halfway.

So I got my little bag buddy (he's been much better lately, thank you for asking) and we're just starting to embark on Chemo part II. This time around I don't have to do radiation again (yay!) but instead we'll be doubling up on the chemo (boo). So basically I'll have to take the pills every day (six a day - eww), and then every few weeks I'll go in and have them stick an IV in my handy little port (which is in my chest right under my skin - feels like a little knob in there) and shoot me up with more chemicals for a few hours. Sounds like a party, right?

I've already started the pills again, but due to an unfortunate snafu in my doctor's office's scheduling abilities they didn't get me in the rotation as I had hoped. I was supposed to start the IV chemo last Tuesday but that didn't happen. I'm still waiting to hear when my start date for that will be. On the one hand I don't mind having a few more days of not feeling TOO sick, but on the other hand I'd really really like to get this thing started so that I can get it over with and get rid of this bag! I've got a total of 18 weeks to get through from the start of the first IV, so...the sooner it starts the better. If I can get through that then it's just one more month of healing up and then I get to have my LAST SURGERY (fingers crossed) and get my small intestine put back inside me where it belongs! As much fun as the bag has been, I'll be oh-so-happy to see it go.

I hear (from my doctor) that once I start doubling up on the chemo the side effects are going to intensify. Can't wait to see what THAT'S going to be like. Don't worry - when it happens I'll tell you all about it. :)

Bless your large intestine

There is a reason we have large intestines. And it is so they can absorb all that stomach acid on the inside before it touches any of your outsides.

It's probably there for other reasons too, but lately that one has been coming to mind most keenly. Because let me tell you what - that stomach acid will burn away your flesh. At least, it has to mine and it is not fun. Nor is it pretty. Well, it's a little pretty. Very pink and colorful. But still. My skin is supposed to be pale white (at least on my belly)! Not pretty pink. I took a picture of my stoma last night and the poor poor raw flesh around it but I don't know if I should really post it here. It's pretty gross looking. Tell you what, if you really want to see it let me know and I'll send it to you. You sicko. (Just kidding - if I were you I'd totally want to see it. But I might regret it after viewing.)

Anyway I could live with the semi-constant burning sensation on my stomach if I knew it was just a little pain and not actually harming my skin. But seeing the skin (or lack thereof) makes me sad. Poor skin, I wish I was protecting you better.

So bless your large intestine. It may not always agree with you, but trust me, it's a good thing it's working.

Good news, bad news

Well the good news is I'm out of the hospital, I can walk, and my ileostomy is only temporary! (I guess that's three good newses). The bad news is I'm still such a wimp that this morning I wanted cranberry juice with my breakfast, but I was too weak to open the new bottle. And the only other person around was grandma. So I just had to put it back in the fridge and have water instead. Sigh. Next time.

Conference Weekend

It's been awhile since I posted pictures here. In fact I think the last picture was of Essiac tea. Gross. But good for you. Still, no one really wants to see that. So it was time to hit the pictures again.

A couple weekends ago we went up to Utah! I got to go snowboarding (sorry - no pics of that) and it was fantastic. I loved it. Snowboarding makes me happy. Also fantastic? Seeing so much family!

As you can see we're having a fabulous time.

It snowed a little. So Laney made a little snowman.

<-- Our gracious hosts for the first couple of days. We wore them out. And then moved on to our second set of gracious hosts. That's how we do.

Someone lives in sunny California. And someone else lives in snowy Utah. Can you tell which is which? heh heh heh

Look at that delicious baked brie she made!

The spread for the baby shower. Good thing my appetite came back this month! I'll have a little of everything. ....Or a lot of everything.

This kid is CUTE.

Speaking of delicious, this cake is the BEST. And it may look big, but in a house full of Polynesians it didn't last long. I think it might have survived for about an hour.

And speaking of CUTE, these two together are adorable. And hilarious. She likes to sit on laps. Even the lap of her younger relatives. But it's cool - he takes it all in stride.

Cousins!

While not pictured here, I also got to see some of my friends who live in Utah! That was also way fun. Who doesn't love to see some of their most favorite people? All told it was a winning weekend. Friends, family, food, games, baby shower, birthday singing accompanied by the ukelele, basketball, snowboarding and, oh yes, Conference. What more could you ask for?

And now...

So. This was the week of finding-out-how-everything-is-going. That's a lame name for it but a better name escapes me at this moment. Anyway. I had a PET scan yesterday. Or I THOUGHT I had a PET scan (which is the one where they shoot you up with radioactive glucose and tell you to stay away from kids since you're radioactive for the day) but it turned out I had a PET scan AND a CT scan. This was disappointing because it meant I had to drink the barium again and that stuff is...awful. This time though I knew better than to try and get it down quickly. So I went with slow and steady and managed to avoid gagging or throwing it up. But it was still nasty. Ugh. And there's just so much of it! Sickening.

Anyway. PET/CT scan. Other than the drinking of the "contrast" it was fine. I mean, per usual they had quite a go of things trying to find a vein to pierce, but in the end it all worked out. They went in some side vein in my arm. Not a big deal but I hate when they preface the poking with "okay if we could go in at the usual spot it'd be fine, but here it's going to hurt." Awesome.

The highlight of the day, however, was getting a letter from my gastroenterologist (spelling questionable) with the results of my colonoscopy. Turned out all the biopsies they took (I think they only took three or so) were negative for cancer! Woo hoo! I mean, no one said the words "cancer free" yet, but clear biopsies HAD to be a good thing.

So today I had an appointment with my surgeon. I was looking forward to it because I figured then we could talk about what the next steps were, if we REALLY had to do surgery if the biopsies were clear, etc. Well. Turns out I still have to have surgery. I mean, the good news is I had a great response to chemo/radiation and it really shrunk the tumor down so there is a really really good chance now that I WON'T have to have a colostomy for the rest of my life. But the bad (kinda bad - but not death bad) news is there's still a pretty good chance the cancer is still there. Just smaller and hiding and stuff. The PET/CT scan showed that my lymph nodes still seem to show some "activity" and the wall of my rectum is still thick so odds are that I'm not in the clear yet. The surgeon also did some sort of scope kind of exam (always a good time) and while he couldn't see the tumor (which had previously been "impressive" in size) he could still feel a mass about the size of a golf ball. Boooo. But hey. I'll take a golf ball over whatever it was before which was bigger than a golf ball.

So surgery is scheduled for the end of April. I have approximately one month to live it up before my intestine will be attached to a bag on the side of my torso. If that doesn't make me popular I don't know what will. Can't wait for bathing suit season! ;)

Anyway that's all the news for now I think. I meet with my oncologist and my radiation oncologist next week so if anything changes I'll be sure to let you know. For now I'm going to enjoy feeling like my cancer is dying. Soon enough I'll cut it out completely!

Colonoscopy #1

Since this will be a yearly thing for me now, I guess yesterday was the first in a long line of colonoscopies. Yay? As expected the prep part was less than pleasant. The clear liquid diet wasn't too bad but drinking the Suprep stuff was pretty nasty. I threw up the first half of the first dose and was concerned that I was never going to be able to hold down the second dose and then I'd have to tell the doctor and he'd be all mad and blah blah blah. But as it turned out, the second dose went down without coming back up (though it tried. But i won that fight.) and I was good to go.

Since I'd heard that the prep was the worst part, once I was done drinking the second dose I was feeling pretty good. Like it was going to be smooth sailing. Besides being hungry (a welcome feeling after a couple months of hating food) I had no qualms about the upcoming procedure. I mean, not the Most fun thing ever, but I'd be asleep through it so no big deal! I go to sleep, feel nothing, wake up and get to have real food! I can handle that. But, unfortunately my low blood prressure spooked the doctor and though he didn't admit it outright, I think it was the reason he didn't want to put me all the way out. And how did I decide this? Well my blood pressure was 88/53 and when the doctor saw it he said "geez, how am I supposed to give her any anesthesia?!" They gave me a sedative I think, but I was definitely awake the whole time and I didn't feel sleepy at all. And the worst part of being awake is feeling all the gas they pump into you to keep your colon open. It hurts! But I guess getting to see the colonoscopy was interesting. Kind of. I still would rather have slept through it. But I guess I could be proud of how spic and span my colon looked. And therein lies the good news: no polyps! No tumor! A little inflamed and irritated still, but more or less clean as a whistle. They took a biopsy of the inflamed area to see if there are still microscopic cancer cells there, but it looked waaaay better than the last time they took a look.

When I got to the recovery room the nurse was like "whoa, you're wide awake!" and I thought to myself (but didn't say) "yah, I didn't get to sleep through it." but on the upside I think it meant I got out of there pretty fast. All I had to do was change back into my clothes and I was free! And had yet another pair of hospital socks to add to my growing collection. Score!

And we hit in-n-out on the way home and all was right with the world. March is a good month. I've always thought so.