Happy Birthday Dad!

I admit, I stopped counting once you got to 50. And while I know your birth year (I think) and could figure it out, basically forever in my mind you're 54. And until Mom throws you a crazy "happy 60th" that's just always how it's going to be.

Today is my Dad's 54th birthday (just like last year and the year before I believe)! I tried to think of what to give him - I mean, what do you give the man who has everything you can afford and probably won't open the gifts he wants but you CAN'T afford until you play with them for a few weeks. And then he notices and says "hey, is that mine?" I mean, I COULD go for one of the latter group, but this year I'm not really sure which technological gadget to go for. New iPad? iPhone? Something cool I've never heard of?

In the end I decided to go with blog post. I mean, it's been awhile anyway and it's time to come back! And since it's no fun to open with "guys. Still have cancer turns out," I'm going to make my come back with: "My dad is the best!"

Why my dad is the best:

1. When we recently demanded that he pull all his strings and not to feel below stooping to use the "cancer" card - he managed to get me and ALL my siblings (and their spouses) and his spouse, tickets to The Hunger Games premiere and passes to the afterparty. Woot woot! That marks the first time we have ALL gone together to a premiere. And it was awesome.

2. After the premiere is over and we don't want to be carrying around all the souvenir cups we took that people had left behind in the theaters and some of us girls wanted to trade out our awesome high heels for more sensible partying shoes - dad took the armfuls of loot (and some free drinks) back to the car. But not before getting caught by fellow producers looking like he was robbing the place. If only they had let us have cameras in there it would've made for a blog worthy picture!

3. Even when I get out of surgery looking like death my dad leans over and first thing says "you're looking great!" A few days later when he comes by after work to check on me he'll say "oh cutie, you look SO much better now. Last time you looked like eek (and he makes a scary face)."

4. He calls everyone "cutie." Sometimes, without thinking, when he would coach my little brother's basketball team he would call them cuties too. This is what happens when you have predominantly daughters. We worked hard to let him know "don't call them that. Think of some other term. Like 'sport' or even just 'number 5'."

5. We go camping on the beach at Carpinteria nearly every year. And every year his vote is to stay in the nearby motel 6. But, generally, like a true camper (or a beach camper), he stays at camp with all of us. On his air mattress.

6. He still thinks its funny every time he goes on a bike ride in his spandex shorts and red pepper biking shirt, to come home and try to hug us when he's disgustingly sweaty. And it still makes us all run.

7. When we were kids and dad was in charge we knew we weren't REALLY going to get in trouble. If mom was in charge and threatened to spank you, oh you'd better knock it off because that threat was for real. But if dad was in charge and you wouldn't share the book and you got told on there was no worry in your heart. Dad was just going to tell you to get along. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

8. When my dad traveled a lot when we were younger he would ALWAYS bring us home books. And we loved it. It was always exciting to see what new books we were going to get.

9. And, since dad traveled a lot when we were kids, WE got to travel a lot too - every summer and sometimes on breaks. We went all over the country - Oregon to Montana to Missississippi to New York and Illinois and Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut (lets be honest - once you're up there you hit all those little states), Florida, etc. It was awesome. Except Missississippi - I didn't love it there. I was pretty little but I think it sparked my phobia of hotel rooms being nasty. Now I'm a total hotel germaphobe and don't like any of the bedding touching my exposed body parts. Yes, that means sleeping in socks, long pants and hoodies. But enough about me.

10. One summer we went to Ireland. I remember at first REALLY not wanting to go. A summer away from my friends? BOO! But I loved it. Dad made it all happen. He also took us to Israel which was equally cool. A lot warmer than Ireland. But I loved both!

11. Watching funny TV shows with my dad is a riot. He laughs sooo loud and hard if he thinks something is funny you can't help but get a kick out of it and laugh along with him. He's passed this trait on to Bryn and Hannah. Watching TV with them is also hilarious.

12. Dad likes to keep up on good music. I don't know how much he beats Hannah and Delaney to the punch anymore what with the advent of iTunes, but when we were teenagers one of his favorite things to do was to buy whatever CD was hot that he knew we'd like and nonchalantly play it in his car while we were riding in it so we'd be like "DAD! Is this [fill in the blank]?!" And he could be like "oh, yeah. You like them?" As if he didn't know...

13. Dad is into gourmet cooking. And he's very methodical about it. Follows the recipes he finds online and turns out DELICIOUS meals. It takes him a good portion of the day and costs the entirety of the kitchen, but man it's worth it. He makes a stir fry that is to die for. ....He's come so far from when we were little.

14. When we were little and Dad was making dinner you could be sure it was going to be either pancakes or tuna cheese and rice. We were equally happy with either. :)

15. Dad loves ice cream. This comes in handy because whenever he has an excuse to buy it "it was on sale!" or "Mehgan needs to fatten up!" he will. And that's the only way it's making its way in THIS house. :)

16. Dad came to all our sporting events he could possibly make when we were growing up. Of course when he traveled he had to miss some, but I think it pained him not to be there more than it pained us. He loves cheering for his kids on the sidelines and he's pretty good at it. Although there have been a couple times where we've had to warn him "hey, shhhh - the ref is going to card you!" So it's always better if our team is winning by a lot - that way he can relax a little and just shake his head at bad plays instead of verbalizing his disapproval.

17. When we were little we always knew that if we wanted something from Dad (and now that I think of it, I don't know what kinds of things we were going for. Candy? Probably not even in our house. Money? To do what with? Freedom to run around? Already had it.) we knew to get Leah to ask him. She was the one mostly likely to come back with positive results. And we played that up for SURE!

18. When we were little we used to go to my dad's church softball games at night. They were so fun! We would play in the dirt (park?) with the other kids and occasionally pay attention to the game when our dad was up to bat. And dad was GOOD. So he usually homered. Which was exciting as a kid - cheering for your dad, MVP of the team!

19. Dad is an all around great athlete. And when he gets the chance to play basketball with his sons and sons-in-law (and Kevin) he's an unexpected threat. He's got a great little jump shot that, when on is ON. ...Of course he's 54 now (or thereabouts) so his knees aren't so into the basketball thing anymore, but in his hey-day, just like softball he was GOOD.

20. Dad's also not afraid to try snowboarding. He's pretty good, but the scariest moment of my LIFE (and this is true) was when he fell in front of me and, due to the narrowness of the trail and the number of people on it and how fast I was going, I couldn't stop or get out of the way and I hit him in the head with my board. I thought I'd killed him. He held his head and his face was grimaced in pain but he didn't say much. I, of course, was panicking like "dad?!? DAD?!" Luckily he ended up being okay. Still. I'm pretty sure his being okay was a miracle so I didn't have to forever live with having killed my father.

21. But sheesh, on to better memories! My dad loves books on tapes. Probably because he does a lot of driving. But this works out nicely for me because he passes all his read books on to me which come in very handy for MY long commute!

22. Every year for mother's day my dad gets my mom her favorite flowers. Every year. No matter where he might be in the world he makes sure it happens. I've always liked that.

23. Despite all his travels, my dad has made it to the births of all of his children! Given that there are six that's pretty good. Leah was a close call there and probably required some holding-in on my mom's part, but he still made it!

24. I have always felt very taken care of by my dad. I've always felt like if I ever needed something (or even really wanted it) he would make sure I had it. Even if it was to his own detriment (which he probably wouldn't tell me). It's just nice to know that no matter what I can count on my dad. He'll always be there for me.

25. I love to talk about work with my dad. HIS work - not mine. Mine's a bit boring to talk about. But HIS? I love it. I don't know that any or my siblings share this love, but I just love knowing what he's working on, how things are going, logistics, his thoughts, personalities he's juggling, etc. Love talking about work with him.

26. My dad has, and often wears, aloha shirts. It's definitely his thing. If he's going to dress up but not have to get TOO dressy - then it's an aloha shirt and khakis. I suppose being Polynesian he makes it work. :)

27. Whenever we're in Hawaii and my dad ends up talking to any locals he reverts to his version of pidgin. And that would be fine except...he grew up in North Hollywood where they speak normal English (maybe with a Jewish accent), so his pidgin is kinda main-land sounding. It's cute that he tries but we try to steer him away from that. You can say "bra" but otherwise...stick to the King's version of English. It's what you know.

28. My Dad's a big BYU fan. Maybe it's because that's where he met his wife, maybe it's because all his kids (so far) have gone there, or maybe it's just because he's a Cougar at heart and bleeds blue. Whatever it is, it's fun how much he cares about how their sports teams are doing (even if Bryn's not playing). He tapes mens and women's basketball games, volleyball games, and of course the football games. We'll go to any games that are being played out near us, and he gets season tickets to the football games even though we live in California and rarely get a chance to go to a game in person. Still. I think it's awesome.

29. Dad pretends to hate the dog although, when no one is around, he's secretly really nice to her. He won't let her on the couch, but if he's bbq-ing he'll sneak her bits of steak. She's constantly trying to win him over, but it only really works if they don't have an audience. :)

30. And last point, thank you Dad. For being there for the family after all these years! You've taken care of us, made us feel loved, and entertained us. I love you soooo much. You're the best dad ever. Even when you wear your biking gear. Happy birthday!!

Ah, cancer.

Okay so I wasn't as good about keeping up with the blog as I thought/said I would be. I'd blame it on the new job, but lets be honest - the job is part time and not that hard to manage (so far). I just haven't been writing! Anything. I'll probably regret that later, but I still haven't learned the greatness of preserving your thoughts for the future. So far every time I go back to read something I wrote years ago I only think "what an idiot." And I think that discourages me from writing in the present. Nevertheless I should push forward and preserve the idiocy!

Well as I believe you're all aware I've had this pesky ovarian cyst giving me sass. They gave me hormones approximately six weeks ago to shrink it, but alas it continues on as big as it ever was. Persistent bugger! The doctors I've seen about it say if it's giving me this much pain/trouble (and it is), and hormones didn't shrink it, we might as well do surgery and take it out. I like the thought of not being in pain anymore, but I must admit I'm dreading the thought of another surgery. I've only had three surgeries but they've been enough to make me hate the process - from the first IV going in to the day 3 of try-to-sit-up-okay-good-now-lets-walk-around-the-hospital to the week(s) following of pain medication and healing scars. I just don't want to do it again.

But then again I don't like having to sleep sitting up so....I guess I'll do it.

Turns out though the cyst isn't my biggest problem. Yesterday I saw my doctor and he sadly informed me that my cancer had metastasized and was now in my liver. Sigh. I'll meet with my oncologist on Monday to get the details of the plan from this point, but it sounds like the gist is that they'll probably put me on some clinical trials and hope they/I find a drug that works for me. They told me some people do go into remission so I've definitely got a fighting chance. We'll see. Meanwhile I shall take this opportunity to solicit any prayers you're willing to send out! I know the prayers of many saved me from a permanent colostomy once - so I believe they can work miracles! Here's hoping for more than my fair share of miracles. :)

Work Like a Beaver

Well it's been almost a month since I last posted. I feel guilty about this every time I read my friend Malinda's blog and think to myself "why doesn't she post every day?!" Well. Guilty and selfish. But apparently not enough of either to actually remedy the situation.

Until now! Today was my first day back at work. Yep. I went back to work. More because I need money to live in America than because I have a deep seated love for labor. Luckily the job is part time so I don't have to show up EVERY day. Woo hoo! But I tell you what - going from a year of nothing (I mean, besides trying to get healthy) to spending a whole day working is a shock to the system. I left work tonight feeling kind of sick. Like when you exercise too hard after not exercising for a long time. Yes. My body is pathetically weak. It takes so little to wipe it out. BUT. I'm sure that I'll get stronger every day. ....Right?

The good news (besides having an income) is that I THINK working a full day is going to make me properly exhausted enough to sleep tonight. Won't that be nice! (In case I haven't made it clear, I agree that it's pathetic that one day of work - ONE - has made me so sick and tired).

I haven't slept more than three hours at a time since...October. And I haven't slept lying down since mid-November. So I am hopeful that tonight will be the night that breaks the cycle! If not then maybe after TWO days of work I'll sleep a full night. It could happen.

Pretty sure the not-sleeping thing is due to the cyst pain. Lying down and standing up are just the worst. But sitting is....a little bit better than the worst. So I sleep sitting up. There are worse things. I'm just grateful to sleep at all. And hopefully the cyst will go away in the next couple of weeks. If not then I've got "a different issue." But my doctors are pretty certain that it'll go away. Here's hoping!

Other than the cyst, life is pretty great cancer-free and bag-free! I have developed kind of awful neuropathy in my feet that makes it really hard to walk, but thankfully my hands aren't so bad. I'd rather have bum feet than bum hands.

Also right now I'm watching "Half-Ton Mom" and I feel like as bad as some of my health things can get, at least I can stand and walk around. This poor woman is over 900lbs and hasn't moved from her bed in I don't know how long. That sounds miserable.

Anyway things are good. I'll try to post more often. Happy 2012 to everyone!

It's official

I'm bag-free baby! I'm reacquainting myself with the restroom and we're getting along fine so far. I'm not quite used to not having the bag though. I notice every time I put my pants on I automatically adjust for the bag and then realize - wait, I'm free! And now my dog can sit on my lap without me having to worry that she'll squish my bag. Really anyone can sit on my lap now, but Lily was the most likely to take advantage of that offer. I do have a weird tan line where my bag was attached to my skin. I don't know how that happened since my belly never saw the light of day while I had ol' baggie attached. But whatever! What else? I can sleep an entire night- no getting up at 3am to empty an uncomfortably full bag. Life is great. And if anyone needs ostomy supplies I can hook you up; plenty of leftovers. :)

On a completely unrelated note, happy birthday to my dear brother-in-law! I'm glad you're part of the fam, and this year I hope we send out a Christmas card where your eyes are open. :) Love you!

The Hospital

Wednesday I spent the day prepping for my last surgery! (assuming, of course, the cyst thing clears itself up). Prepping basically involves drinking only clear liquids and downing two bottles of magnesium citrate. I don't know if you've ever had to drink magnesium citrate but I hope for your sake that you haven't. It's not good. It's actually not that bad going down, but the aftertaste creates that involuntary shudder and once it's in your stomach it starts things moving and doesn't want to stay in there long. Ideally you end up having to go to the bathroom within about a half hour. But if you're my weak little stomach you will desire no part of the magnesium citrate and will promptly throw up the entire bottle of stuff. Luckily (?) I had to drink two bottles so I was counting on the second bottle to stay down and do all the work. And it was touch and go there but it all stayed down. Hooray!
So Wednesday I got no food. Thursday morning in we came to the hospital bright and early. Thankfully I was the first surgery of the day so even though I couldn't eat anything Thursday (not even gum!) it wasn't a big deal. I probably wasn't going to eat breakfast before 5am anyway. The surgery went swimmingly. They stuck my intestine back inside me and took the port-a-cath (technical term?) out of my chest and I was good to go. AND, wonder of wonders - I woke up without throwing up! It was a miracle. Thursday I was feeling pretty good. I ate some ice chips, sipped some water....things were alright.
Friday started out the same - clear liquid diet which was fine - I wasn't hungry anyway - and mostly just recovering from surgery (i.e. laying around). But then Friday afternoon my head started hurting something fierce. And I noticed that every time I pushed the little button for more pain medication I started to feel nauseated. So I stopped pushing it. But I kept feeling sicker and sicker. And soon enough I was puking my guts out.
Thankfully by Saturday morning I was feeling much better. And starving. I mean, I hadn't eaten anything "real" since Tuesday. And my last "real" meal was a vegan meal so that hardly counts. Unfortunately my doctors wanted to keep me on the clear liquid diet all day Saturday. So by late afternoon when Emily and Kyle came by with a burger and french fries I couldn't help myself. I ate some french fries. And then later I ate a snickerdoodle. And totally almost got caught. It was really close - I even had to spit out part of the cookie as the nurse was walking in. I guess I'm not the best patient ever.
So this morning my diet finally got changed - I could have real food! And it's been grand. Well, the eating part is grand. My insides haven't fully adjusted yet so they get pretty cramped up pretty immediately, but I'm grateful that despite the discomfort they seem to be working. And I don't have a bag anymore! Hallelujah! Instead I have a little tube sticking out that drains whatever fluids are in my belly needing to be drained. After having my intestine stuck to my belly, one little tube is not a big deal. I'll take it.
With a little bit of luck I'll be out of here by tomorrow morning! And it should be a lovely bag-free Christmas. :) My surgeon is the best.

Happy Birthday

In a mere matter of days my little sister will be turning 30. I know what you're thinking "you're not old enough to have a younger sister that's 30!" You're right. I'm way too youthful for that. Well, actually now that I have had cancer I feel like I'm old enough to have a sister that age. I mean who gets colon cancer? Old people. And heavy drinkers. So, cheers everyone!

And in honor of her upcoming special day, here are 30 things you may not have known about dear old sis (I would've saved this for your ACTUAL birthday but since I'll be in the hospital and high on drugs that day I am not entirely secure in what 30 things would end up coming out of my brain):
1. Most people think she's older than me. Not because she looks older - well actually she DOES look more adult so it probably IS partly that - but she also has kids and I don't. So. She's often known around my apartment as "my older younger sister."
2. Her favorite singer when we were young was Billy Joel. I remember her showing me how to moonwalk to "Uptown Girl." But when you're 4 moonwalking is basically just walking backwards. So I picked up on the technique easily but I don't think it's all that accurate.
3. She still has an old school ipod. Like the ones that first came out. But I guess if it still works...
4. When we were kids I stuck a stick in her ear (my early days of wanting to be a doctor) and scratched her ear drum. I was pretty sure well into my adult life that this was the cause of her partial deafness. ....But it's not, right?
5. She tells her kids that my parents' dog is their dog that just lives at grandma's house so that they don't beg for a pet. So far it seems to be working.
6. She is a fantastic artist. Not, like, kinda good - like REALLY good. If I could show you some of the stuff she painted (or drew or watercolored or whatever) in high school I would.
7. I remember one Christmas when we were writing our letters to Santa and she just kept putting down everything I was putting down. It really bugged me so I wrote down "caterpillar" thinking she wouldn't be so bold as to put that down too - who would ACTUALLY want a caterpillar? - but she wrote that down too. She's gutsy like that.
8. She convinced me to go to BYU Hawaii with her one summer. I don't know why I needed convincing but that's beside the point. She met her husband, and I got a job working 4pm - midnight four days a week. So, good call there sis!
9. We took sign language classes together in high school and college. She was really good. I was okay. We used to have her sign stories and I would "interpret" them for all the hearing people. Sometimes I took liberties with what she was signing. I don't think she thought it was as funny as I thought it was.
10. I was there when her first child was born. I was the photographer but I stayed up near her head and only took very classy photos.
11. We went to outdoor school together. That was unusual only because it was the year they were transitioning from having outdoor school be in sixth grade to fifth grade. So both sixth and fifth graders went that year.
12. We had bunk beds when we were young. One night she was bugging me about something and when she dropped her head over the side of the top bunk to annoy me again I pulled on her sleeve and pulled her right off that bunk. She's never let me live it down.
13. We went on a family vacation to Hawaii sometime while she was dating her now-husband. It must've been near when they got engaged or shortly after it. All I remember is he wasn't on vacation with us and she was mopey without him the whole time. Psh. Crazy engaged folk.
14. We used to play duets on the piano. She had the harder parts because she was the better pianist. She's still the better pianist. I'm not even a pianist. That would be giving myself way too much credit.
15. She was there when I found out I passed the bar. I was at her house (which was right by my work) when I checked online. She was appropriately excited for me.
16. She and her husband got me my first law job. I now hope to spend every unemployed holiday at their house in hopes that it will happen again.
17. She loves licorice. Specifically Twizzlers.
18. She can quote movies with the best of them. Although I'm pretty sure now that most of her movie quotes come from Disney flicks.
19. We were on the same softball team growing up. She played 2nd base and I was shortstop and I always thought it was cool that we held down the middle of the infield.
20. When she was 14 she had a wheelchair for awhile. We liked to kick her out of it as often as possible and practice doing wheelies in it.
21. Despite living in almost constant pain from her stupid joints, she never ever complains. Ever. I've always thought that was amazing.
22. Her lung sometimes spontaneously collapses. She didn't realize that for awhile since she didn't go to the doctor because she figured she just had a cramp from being out of shape. I'm pretty sure she has a really high pain tolerance.
23. If I ever get to be a mom I want to be a mom like her. I think she's so good at it. She's patient, loving, firm, fun and supportive of her kids. And they're all great kids. My plan is to try and copy her someday.
24. She's awfully selfless. Despite having a family of her own, when I was in the midst of chemo and radiation treatments (because why not do both at once?) she came down and stayed with me for a week cooking and cleaning and taking me to my appointments. And she bought me donuts too. It was so great having her here. Both my roomie and I missed her a lot when she left!
25. She saves me from being set up with just any random available guy. I appreciate that she uses discernment and decides she's never going to subject me to going out with someone nicknamed "Dusty Buns."
26. She's an amazing photographer. I really think she could make money taking pictures if she wanted to.
27. She's a fantastic writer. Even writing stuff like thank you notes. People would call my parents to tell them what a nice thank-you note they received from her after her wedding. (People did that with my other siblings too. Thanks a lot guys - way to set the bar low. )
28. She's loyal to the end. If she's on your side she's ON. YOUR. SIDE. It's a fabulous trait to have in a sister and in a friend. I know if I ever need anything (even if it's someone to be mad with me) she's there.
29. She's beautiful. (Sometimes this is annoying).
30. She's the best sister anyone could ask for. It's been a fun 30 years knowing her and I'm grateful to have her in my life.

San Francisco

It's been a long time since I put any pictures up in my posts. The reason for that is pretty simple: I don't take many pictures. Plus...how do you take a picture of cysts? Gross.

But now it's picture time. I only put a couple up though because I'm not sure my trip companions would approve of the other pictures. Not that we took pictures of anything sketchy - just that we're girls and they mentioned something about needing to approve the way they looked in pictures before the general public could see them.

The weekend before Thanksgiving (a wonderful time deserving of a post of its own although I don't know if that will ever actually happen), Amy and Tiffany and I went to San Francisco to celebrate Tiffany's birthday. It was a magical time. A time when we could appreciate mother nature and all her cold and rainy glory.

Really though it was fun. We did all the touristy things (well not ALL, but a lot of them) from Fisherman's Wharf to watching the seals off Pier 39 (that IS the right pier number, right?) to Ghiradelli Square (it's freezing outside and I didn't bring the appropriate jacket? Absolutely I'll have an ice cream sundae!) to Muir Woods. Walking through Muir Woods was awesome. And I must be a big baby because both Amy and Tiffany gave me the clothes off of their backs to try and keep me warm. So Amy's walking around in a dress, Tiffany has a sweatshirt, and I'm wearing a sweatshirt, Amy's sweater, Tiffany's jacket, Amy's mittens and hat and carrying the only umbrella (it was raining). Needless to say I was fine but I think Amy and Tiffany might have ended up with pneumonia afterward. Thanks for the clothes friends! :) Happy birthday Tiffany!

Of course we went down the crookedest street in the world. And then took a picture by it. And then looked it up on Google to see if it really was the crookedest street. It's not. But it's probably the most popular crooked street in the world. It was crazy to see how many people were just standing around taking pictures of it. So we joined in and got a picture. Why not?

We also hit up Coit Tower. It doesn't seem particularly tall when you're looking at it, but you can see all of San Francisco from the top. And when you look up you can see angels. Just kidding, all you can see is the sky. I don't know why we're looking up in this picture.

So our trip was fun. It was also nice for me because I had spent the whole week up north visiting Leah and her fam trying to get in good with my niece and nephews before they came down for Thanksgiving and played with the more fun aunts and uncles. It almost worked. But Laney and Chris are good. I can't compete with them!

Cysts? Really?

Well I must say the effects of chemo are wearing off nicely. Besides having my toes and the tips of my fingers feel like they're semi-asleep-in-the-process-of-waking-up-pins-and-needles-like, things are going well! Can't complain. About cancer. Can't complain about cancer.

But since my organs seem to hate me, certainly it would be crazy to just feel well again. So where my intestines have finally started to simmer down, my ovaries have decided to take up the protest against being in my abdomen. What is with everybody in there?! Why can't we all get along? Anyway I don't know if I explained this before but back before I got all radiated the doctors decided to go ahead and move my ovaries up out of their usual spot so that they wouldn't die. Seemed like a nice plan. And I'm glad they did it. But apparently my ovaries don't like being up by my kidneys because one of them has revolted and instead of being its usual walnut size it has ballooned up into the size of my fist. And it's pushing against my kidney and causing a fair amount of pain. Boo! I guess ovarian cysts (that's the problem here) are fairly common - especially when you "transpose" ovaries. And a lot of cysts are painless and go away on their own. If only that was the case here! I mean, it may go away on its own (fingers crossed) but it has decided to make itself known in the meantime with all its stabby pain. It almost makes me miss cancer. Almost.

Anyway besides the constant cyst pain things are going swimmingly. And a week from today I have my last surgery! So close to being DONE done forever! I can't wait. I think I'll have to celebrate by getting a job. Ah the life of an adult. :)

Happy 11/11/11

Well it's a few weeks out from my last chemo treatment and I am finally starting to feel like myself again! Now all I have to do is ditch the bag and I'll be good as new (minus almost a foot of my colon)! But seriously I'm almost done. And, most importantly, as of Tuesday's appointment with the oncologist, it's official: I'm cancer free! Woo hoo! I totally took down cancer. Being young (in cancer world) is awesome.

I think maybe the best part of being cancer free is being able to think again. Wait, no the BEST part is being alive, but the second best part is feeling like you get your brain back. It's a very weird feeling to not be able to think straight. Which is how I feel like I've spent the past year - not able to concentrate on things, taking forever to understand concepts (like how to play Dominion), and forgetting stuff all the time. But now I feel like my brain is starting to work again and it's fantastic. I was worried I might just forever be in a fog (who knows how those brain synapses work - I thought I might have lost them for good!), but I am happy to report that the synapses are starting to fire again. In fact I even played Dominion again and finally got it! I didn't have to ask inane questions or stare at my cards forever trying to get what they did - I just played! And I won! Woo hoo!

I'm also glad that the ADD feeling is going away. I had a hard time this last year concentrating on any given thing long enough to enjoy it (i.e. movies felt long and boring, I couldn't read anything for longer than a couple pages, I got bored with whatever task I was doing and wanted to move on even while feeling way too tired to actually move on), but now I can wait in lines for hours and be fine! I discovered this while waiting yesterday to get into the taping of the Conan show. We got to the studio at 1:30p and the taping didn't start until 4:30p. If this had happened during my chemo time I would've struggled. But yesterday I was totally fine standing around or sitting around eavesdropping on other peoples' conversations. For a good 20 minutes I learned all about the three guys behind me and their experiences with improv classes. They talked forever about scenes they did and different techniques they were learning. It's almost like I had a free lesson myself! I also learned it took one guy 7 months to find a job. That made me a little nervous because all too soon (after my last surgery) I'm going to need to find a job myself. What if no one will hire me for seven months?! Or longer?! I hate job hunting.

Anyway Conan was fun. It's the first show taping I've ever been to. Not that we haven't tried before. We have. This was our third time trying to get to a show and our first successful attempt. Third time's the charm! The first time we were stuck in traffic and ended up sitting at a dead stop on some side street forever as the time passed by. And we both agreed that that was the WORST traffic we've ever been in. Dead stop. Forever. It was horrible.

The second time we got to the show two minutes after the time you're supposed to show up and they wouldn't let us get in line. Literally two minutes late. And we were turned away.

But this time we were there plenty early and we made it in! Huzzah! Thank you Conan for an entertaining afternoon. And thank you chemo for having worked your way out of my body enough that I was able to enjoy the Conan experience. Good times living cancer free!

Oh, and happy Veteran's Day everyone! Enjoy your 11/11/11!

Dominion

Does anyone play Dominion? I've played several times now and I'm terrible at it. You'd almost think I was trying to lose. That's how badly I do in comparison to everyone else playing. Last night there were four of us and in the third game I thought "finally I think I did alright - I'm quite sure I didn't win but at least I kept up." But no. My score of 56 paled in comparison to everyone else's 90s scores. What the crap?

I'd like to think that I could blame my poor performances on chemo - my brain just doesn't work like it used to - but I think I just don't get how to play the game. I need to practice in secret and then come back stronger. Like a panther. But I don't think I'll be able to do it. I seriously don't know what I'm doing wrong with that game. It's beyond my mental abilities. I guess I should stick to games at my level. Like Sorry and Candy Land. Totally get the strategy of those games: draw the right card/stack the deck in your favor. Next time I go to game night I'm bringing one of those with me.

I forgot to mention

That when I came home from the treatment center my room was FILLED with balloons and there was a congratulatory banner across the walls welcoming me home. There were flowers and cards and I got a micromink blanket! Woo hoo! Coming home and seeing all the love made me feel like a million bucks which, as my friends know, I rarely feel like lately. I hover somewhere around $25 - $400,000 depending on the day. But a million bucks? That's a rarity.

Now it's been about a week and the balloons are still around. I wasn't sure what to do with them. Popping them seemed....mean. So I guess my option was to let them slowly run out of air or spontaneously pop on their own. OR I could take them all and put them in my little sisters' bathroom thus filling the room up to waist level. I decided on the latter. This way everyone gets to enjoy the surprise of a room full of balloons! Maybe it seems like re-gifting, but I'm pretty sure they loved it. They just held the love in behind feelings of "what the heck?" But really. Who doesn't love having to empty their bathroom of balloons in order to use said bathroom early in the morning before seminary? Just spreading the love.

The day after

I'm done! Well, done with the transfusions. Still got about two weeks of chemo pill taking ahead of me. But still that's one major hurdle down!

So today is the day after transfusion day. I gotta say I was not looking to sitting in that little treatment center at ALL. I knew it meant the end of the line but it still felt like another opportunity to get sick again and what psycho looks forward to THAT? Not this one! But I WAS looking forward to the days following the transfusion in which I would start to feel better knowing I wouldn't have to go back there and get shot up again! And so far it's been good. I didn't throw up on my way home (which was lucky because this time I had a doctor's appointment right after my transfusion and I didn't want to throw up in the waiting room of his office), and I haven't thrown up yet! My hands and feet so far are doing alright and my sore jaw is sore but not as bad as it has been in the past. Basically this last transfusion has not been the worst one (knock on wood) and I am so grateful for that!

Then again I did sleep through most of yesterday and today (I sleep like a rock right now) so that's one good way to avoid any unpleasant side effects. I only wake up for my mom to feed me my pills and some food and a couple times I've tried to watch TV (fell asleep both times). So mostly I spend my time letting my body recover however it wants to. And in response it (my body) treats me fairly nicely; no big puking sessions or the like.

How's everyone else? Days been good? I hope so. Happy Friday to you all.

I have nothing to say today.

Alright I admit it. I'm not good at keeping up the blog. It's been almost three weeks and I know that because I can measure my time out by treatments (helpful!) and last time I posted was somewhere around treatment #5. And it's almost time for the last one! I feel like I should be more excited. I think I'll be excited once I'm not feeling that sick anymore from the treatment, but right now it's hard to get amped up to get sickly again. But soon enough I'll be done with it and well on my way to touching anything cold that I want to whenever I want! Maybe I'll start eating ice cream with my fingers! Just because! ....Probably not though. Too sticky. I'll stay with just grabbing stuff out of the fridge willy-nilly. Drinking Jamba Juice! Eating bagels! Okay bagels aren't necessarily cold but I'd really like to eat one right now.

In the meantime I've been working with my partner to get our stuff written (it's taken long enough with this whole cancer thing going on in the background. Or the foreground.) and otherwise enjoying my time away from Xeloda and Oxaliplatin. My two frienemy drugs. (is that how you spell "frienemy?" Or is it just "frenemy?" Whatever.)

The point is nothing too exciting has happened and I therefore haven't updated my blog. But I should probably stop thinking about blogging as a way to report events and start thinking about it as a place to just say whatever I want. Freeeeeedommmmm! So lets see, is there anything I want to talk about? Blast. There's not. Guess that wraps this baby up!

Five down, one to go

I made it through treatment #5! I was worried about it; can't say as I ever get excited about my next treatment even though I know each one gets me closer to the end. Still the thought of getting stabbed, sitting in the chair for a couple hours having poison poured into my bloodstream, and then getting up feeling all kinds of woozy and cold and weird usually wins out over the thought "one more down!"

But now, days later, the "one more down" is starting to sink in a little more. They lowered my dosage a little bit this round which I think contributed to my hands and feet feeling a little less sensitive (i.e. they didn't hurt as soon as we got in the cold hallway). But it didn't seem to lessen the nausea. It was odd - I didn't feel that ill feeling of "I have to throw up" but I did have an objective feeling of "yes, I will throw up shortly." I managed to hold it in until we were on the freeway when it just couldn't be helped. And since I didn't have much to throw up in (we did find a plastic bag) I managed to make a mess of my clothes and my car. Whoops! I bet my mom was glad I offered to take MY car instead of her car like we usually do! A quick stop at a gas station to clean up and try to puke anything else that might be lingering up and we were on our way again.

Nothing like throw up stories on blogs.

Since then I've felt much better; no throwing up! The side effects are what they are (as usual) and I can manage to sleep the better part of the day away and think nothing of it, but as long as the toxins are killing off what they're supposed to then so be it. I'll take the side effects if it means I get to live!

Today I ate ice cream

The title really says it all. There's nothing like a little chemo to make you appreciate the finer things in life. Like eating ice cream. Usually (read: for the two and a half weeks following each treatment) I can't touch or ingest anything cold. I've said that before - I think everyone gets the point by now. But not being able to eat anything cold means you give up a lot of deliciousness. Mainly ice cream and Jamba Juice. But today I was able to eat ice cream! For the first time since my 2nd treatment (the cold thing never wore off after the third treatment)! And it was just as good as I remembered it.
Tomorrow I'm going to have a Jamba Juice. Gotta live this up while I can 'cause come Thursday we're back in the chemo saddle (boo and yay - almost done!). But don't worry Mom - other than the daily cold thing I'm going to have, I'll try to eat healthy like I told you I would. Gotta keep those red blood cells and white blood cells up!

Dreaming

All the sleeping I've been doing has led to some amazing dreams. I usually dream about stuff related to my day. They're usually good dreams, they're just...not crazy. But now on chemo they're crazy. In a very entertaining way. I often wake up thinking "I just dreamed what would be a great movie." But once awake I realize that sleepy me doesn't make wise, rational, or logical decisions.

Like once I had a dream about a fat girl who was sister to the two main characters in my dream and her name was Lorna Doone and I thought that was BRILLIANT! Or the time I dreamed I was playing soccer (quite well really) in a vanilla ice cream field covered in whip cream. It was like playing in snow except I was really tempted to eat the snow/ice cream. But I didn't because of the same reason you don't eat food off the ground (unless you just dropped it): society frowns on you.

I should start writing my dreams down here as soon as I wake up because I think they're pretty good. But maybe making them accessible to the public would show me that they're not actually good. And I would stop making plans to make money off writing scripts based on my dreams. Because the other thing is I don't dream whole movies although I think I do while it's happening. I wake up thinking "I have a whole story!" only to realize "wait, I have a scene in which my sister-in-law is getting a lifetime award for cheerleading and is suspended above the ground on wires."

Anyway I am grateful for this side effect of chemo because at least it's a fun one!

Round 4 Down

Since the advent of the two additional anti-nausea medications, I am happy to report that I don't usually feel like throwing up. Of course the sentiment hits me on occasion, but for the greater part of the day that's not something I'm left dealing with. Which is great.

My newest struggle is to stay awake. My little cocktail of drugs I take (to weather the chemo) really knocks me out. I've never slept so soundly in my life (and I consider myself a fairly sound sleeper)! Just yesterday my mom would wake me up and ask me if I wanted to eat (which I never do but I need to in order to take the chemo pills), and I said yes and as she got up to get me some food I promptly fell asleep again. Like OUT asleep. Where you have to shake someone to wake them up. That happened three times in a row. Finally around 11pm I pulled it together enough to be awake by the time my food got to me.

Other than the sleepiness I'm alright. There's the general malaise feeling of being sick and, of course, the mittens I sport since I can't touch anything cold. Including silverwear. That stuff is icy! But it's all the same stuff as before so now it's just a matter of puttering through. Taking the licks as they come and hoping the days go by quickly. And trust me, when you sleep through most of them, they go by quickly.

I'm still dreading rounds 5 and 6 since all these side effects are cumulative and they don't seem to be getting any easier, but hopefully I'll just sleep right through those too and call it good. :) Because come mid-October I should be doing great again! Or at least good again! And I surely cannot wait for that.

So long, farewell...

Today is my last day in NC. Well, assuming the hurricane doesn't wreck my flight plans. I think it'll probably all work out fine. Any ideas for what I should do on my last day? I thought of getting souvenirs from North Carolina as if I've lived here for months and I need to show off to people what it's like to have been where I've been. But I don't really know what souvenir represents my experience here. Should I bring home a jar of mist and say it's the humidity? Have some? Also, when you're in a place like this I don't know where you find shops for souvenirs. Maybe I should just go to the Bass Pro Shop. I've passed it a couple times in my travels and it looks HUGE from the outside. In fact I think there's something about "world" in the sign. Like "Bass Pro Shop Outdoor World" or something. Anyway the sheer size makes me think maybe it's indicative of what life is like out here; lots of outdoorsy stuff - hunting, fishing, buying nifty camping gear. Actually as I'm thinking about it maybe I really WILL go over there today. Except I bet the place is full of dead animals. Nevermind, I probably won't go over there.

Today is my last day of going on set. So far my set experience has been good. Except it was a little embarrassing last night when I was leaving and talking to my dad I was mentioning how (judging on the scene I had just been watching) it was a good thing they had such good actors because it's a lot more likely this movie is actually going to be good. Only to have my dad turn around and say hello to Woody Harrelson who had been walking right behind us. He said he didn't hear me though so I think I'm in the clear. ....Then again he's an actor so maybe he was faking the whole "I don't eavesdrop" thing.

And first on the agenda today (well third - behind breakfast and showering) will be packing (more like re-packing) my suitcase. It's big enough it does look like I've been here for a month. But no, it's just been a matter of days. Or weeks. Whatever. I hate re-packing. And I hate unpacking. But packing for the first time - like when you're getting ready to go somewhere - doesn't bother me. Re-packing to go home is like work. You have to take everything out, re-fold stuff, figure out how to separate the dirty clothes from tainting the clean ones, fit in souvenirs, etc. What a pain!

Oh well, I still say the trip was worth any re-packing that has to be done. I'll be sad to leave my dad behind but I don't feel too bad for him - just a couple more weeks and then he's done and gets to go to the BYU game in Texas with the rest of the men in the family (there aren't that many of them but it's still a minor miracle that they're all in on this trip). All in all, you've been hot and humid, but good to me North Carolina. Maybe I'll see you again around Thanksgiving.

U.S. National Whitewater Center

As I mentioned before, we went on a few athletic adventures while in NC. The first of which was to go whitewater rafting. I had to sit that one out since my hands and feet were still so sensitive to cold that being in the water would make them feel like they were being stabbed. I don't know for certain, but I'm fairly positive that would make for an unpleasant rafting trip. Dropped oars, grimace faces, howling in pain - that sort of thing. Maybe even screams of "don't let it touch me! don't let it touch me!!" I can only imagine the carnage. Anyway I decided to be the photographer. I only have a point and shoot camera so I do what I can but I make no promises.

So far so good....

You may not be able to tell but that's the family raft there in that rapid. That's right before mom and Delaney were ousted. And Bryn was practically a goner though she was saved by her brother after (according to sources in the boat) a look of "is anyone going to stop this from happening?!"

And here we see that the raft didn't quite make it after a different rapid. Everybody out! Floating down in front we have most members of my family. To the right we have a perfectly fine raft laughing at our family's misfortune.

We also took on some rock climbing. Of course I sat this one out too but not because my hands or feet are sensitive. Mostly because I have no muscles and would not be able to pull my body up any sort of wall. Even a ladder is sketchy. Lets not get into walls that jut out parallel to the ground. No thank you.

The boys navigating the hard wall

We also indulged in a little zip lining. I took part in this activity. After all, sitting in a sling and zipping over rafters and other bits of nature is just up my alley.

Looking good pre-helmets.

You may be asking "why did she put on a baby's helmet?" She didn't. That's a regular adult helmet. Her head is just that big.

I guess it's just a family thing: large heads that make our helmets look ridiculous. Not so for the in-laws: their helmets actually fit over the portion of their head they're supposed to. Nice job in-laws. Give those grandkids a fighting chance.

There was also some more calm still water kayaking. Again, hands and feet kept me lounging in the sun by the dock.

Sure they all look like friends now but you'd better believe there was a mud war.

Sometimes an oar just doesn't do the trick and you want to paddle with your hands for maximum efficiency. ...I mean, that's probably what Hannah's doing here.....

Done for the day.

Bowling

My technique is lacking

A number of my friends participated in a bowling league this summer. I refrained, not because I'm above bowling (I'm probably below it), but because the league started fairly soon after my last surgery and I wasn't allowed to lift anything over 5lbs. And the lightest bowling ball was 6lbs. "What's 1lb?" you say? Well when you're running up and heaving it down a lane I think the velocity of the ball and stuff makes it heavier. At least that's the story I'm going with.

Anyway I thought that perhaps as the weeks went by I could be a substitute on any one of the three bowling teams should someone be absent and should the team be looking for an average-ability level bowler. Thankfully none of them were. Because as I learned yesterday bowling here in North Carolina with the fam, I am not an average ability level bowler. I am far below average.

We went to a bowling alley that time forgot. It looked straight out of 1969 and smelled like your grandma's house if your grandma still lives in the house she raised all her kids in. There was nothing flashy about the place (well, except for orange the carpeted walls), and all scoring had to be done by hand. On paper. With a pencil. That had no eraser.

They did have projectors, like perhaps at one time - in their hey-day (is it "hay day?") - they had transparencies that you could keep score on and then project the scores up on the wall above the lanes in some modern new-fangled way to be hip. But they put that time behind them and went back to good ol' fashioned paper and pencil.

I'd like to think that perhaps my bowling failure could be chalked up to my brother's poor score keeping skills. But between the fact that he's an accountant and my score only changed by one or two pins every time I rolled the ball, I'm pretty sure his math was solid. It was my bowling that wasn't solid.

We bowled two games and in the second game by the time I had bowled five frames my score was 18. Five frames. Half of a game. And I wasn't even to 20. And I wasn't trying to be funny either and bowl all crazy like "whatever guys - I don't care, I don't bowl for reals, I only bowl to try different amusing techniques!" That was just how bad I was at bowling.

So good thing I never subbed on anyone's bowling team this summer. Because when you're lucky to break 80, no one wants you on their team. ...But on the plus side people do like bowling with you because no matter how they did, at least they did better than you. (Except if you're Delaney - heh heh heh).